Things that do not exist are more beautiful.
By Manoel de Barros
i get it now.
”..and stand together, silently shaking with laughter, both teenaged and fully grown all at once, knowing that you would never have to choose between those different states of maturity, because you contained them both inside yourselves.”
i read that line and it so squarely connected with this feeling of loss.
its because ive always just wanted them there to share my life with; to talk about the dumb stuff we secretly care about or laugh at the serious parts that might be tearing us up.
romance has nothing to do with it. i never intended to grow up and live the entirety of my life without them there to share even the smallest bits with on occasion. i hate that i have to get older and become this adulty person and grow old and die so painfully separately for no reason at all.
it is about a friendship out of necessity.
"It has been said, “time heals all wounds.” I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."